"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
