You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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