Umm I'm too high to move.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
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