i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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