By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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