She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
i just sent this text using only my big toe
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
