Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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