Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
Randomize