my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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