that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
