it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
