let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
