Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
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