my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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