you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
