He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
