So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Randomize
