My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
