Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
