my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
