Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
