how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
