Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
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