Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
my vag is so smooth its legendary
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Just took my morning after pill in the library
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
