I wish my penis had an off switch
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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