I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
