thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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