remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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