i permit you to call me
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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