last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
