WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
