for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
