Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I looked at my own cervix.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
