i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
