how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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