hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
