I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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