So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Randomize
