I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
