2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Randomize
