I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
