So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
