wrigley field is MILF paradise
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
