Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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