just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
