I molested 6 butterflies tonight
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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