You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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