I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
