It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Randomize
