Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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