There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
