I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Are my feet made of real feet?
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
