Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
