i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
