she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize