this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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