youre lurking in front of me
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
