If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Randomize
